Catp00p
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Surviving Animal Attacks
Step 1: Make Yourself a Bad Target
The first step to surviving a wild animal attack is actually to prevent the attack entirely by making you an undesirable target for potential animal assailants. Animals are just like people in that they don't want to attack someone who either doesn't have anything they want or can obviously kick their ass. This is not as easy as simply drinking weight gainer shakes, weightlifting incessantly, and walking around on stilts while covered in tiger urine. Not every animal responds to the same predator/prey signals, so you need to cover all the bases or at least those that apply to the area you will be in. To help prepare you we've broken the animals down into categories, just follow the preventative measures for each category that applies to you.
Biting Cats
Examples: Cheetahs, pumas, tigers, lynx, panthers, particularly large otters, wolves.
Prey Prevention: Biting cats are known to be extremely insecure and almost all of their reported attacks on humans are simply examples of cat machismo gone too far. They want to prove to you and their friends that they are in charge. There's no point trying to out macho the biting cats, just let them know that you're not a threat to their masculinity and they'll leave well enough alone. This can be achieved by frequently urinating in your pants, wearing shirts with pictograms of large predatory cats killing you (they can't read), and a giant foam hand with the number one printed on it that you wave enthusiastically and shout "wooooooooo" whenever you see a biting cat. Occasionally their attacks are also hunger motivated so try not to carry snack foods appealing to biting cats like blocks of cheese, bowls of milk, catnip filled plush animals, hunks of bleeding human meat, or toy fish attached to sticks by a length of string.
Stomping Things
Examples: Elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, Israeli bulldozers, buffalo herds, rolling boulders.
Prey Prevention: Stomping things are characterized by a tendency to run fairly quickly and crush things under their massive bodies. They are often keenly intelligent and have an insatiable lust for human blood. Luckily they also have a number of deep-rooted phobias that can be used to make you an unacceptable choice of prey. It's widely known that elephants are afraid of mice, so construct a suit of live mice by covering a pair of overalls in hot glue and then rolling in a pit full of mice. Those pesky elephants will keep their distance. Hippos are supposedly fearless, but research we conducted seems to indicate that they are in fact afraid of massive explosions. Luckily the Far East provides us with a solution in the form of the martyr vest, a convenient contraption designed with pouches for plastic explosives. Works great with hot glue and mice! Where there's smoke there's fire, and nothing persuades a charging rhino to change direction like a raging inferno. Since fire can be hazardous to your health we advise a mobile pyrotechnics display as opposed to the more convenient but more painful self-immolation. Nothing stops an Israeli bulldozer like giant bags of money, buffalo herds can be put to rest with hypnotism, and rolling boulders are just unstoppable. Sorry.
Venomous Villains
Examples: Scorpions, cobras, eagles, death adders, asps, black widow spiders, chemical factories.
Prey Prevention: Having lethal venom in glands in your body is sort of like being perpetually drunk, and drunks tend to swagger, brag, and be violent. This characterization of drunks is pretty fitting for venomous creatures as well. They don't have any real agenda, they're just out to have fun and cause trouble. The anathema of their rabble-rousing lifestyle is boredom so to ward off their attacks just make attacking you a proposition sure to be extremely tedious. Wrap yourself in dozens of rolls of duct tape or complexly knotted coils of rope. Leave obscure riddles that provide clues to your location in case you are being tracked. Venomous creatures will find maybe two of these mindbenders and get sick of trying to catch you. When you set up camp for the night climb to the top of a tree and leave a grease coated ladder behind as the only means to ascend to the top. Do anything to frustrate or otherwise draw out the pursuit of venomous creatures, they just can't stand that shit.
Aquatic Adversaries
Examples: Deep sea squids, octopi, Canadians, hammerhead sharks, eagles, giant deep sea squids, colossal deep sea squids, unbelievably huge deep sea squids.
Prey Prevention: Nothing ruins a peaceful camping trip in the forest quite like a colossal deep sea squid emerging from a nearby oceanic trench and crushing your entire campsite into its clacking wheelbarrow-sized beak. They're just a total downer, much like their other water breathing brethren. The only way you can discourage aquatic predators is to make them think that you're one of them. Construct a massive fake squid shell using a large vehicle as the base. I suggest using hoops of lightweight wood bound together and then covered with a shell of papier-mâché that has been painted bright red. Then cover this layer of paint with organic or electronic photophores that simulate the complex color changing ability of squid. Link all of this to a complex computer-controlled system so that if you are approached by a squid you can convince it not to attempt to mate with you.
Even though you're prepared you can't completely guarantee that you won't be attacked. Just like in human society the animal kingdom can be a stressful place and some predators just can't handle the pressure. They crack and go insane, and if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time you could be on the receiving end of a lion's equivalent of shooting up his high school.
Step 2: Identify Your Attacker
Alert, alert! You're being attacked! All of that careful planning just didn't prevent some go-getter of a predator from coming after you. Maybe our directions were wrong (impossible) or maybe you're just a stupid ****up who can't do anything right and will never amount to a goddamn thing (highly likely). The cause isn't really that important when you're caught in the clutches of a deep sea eagle, but before you can decide upon a course of action you need to correctly identify your attacker. Try to take a few deep breaths or, if your lungs are being crushed by the constricting coils of a tentacle, just hold your breath and try not to pass out. Okay, now try to use your toe or a prehensile tail to reach into your PDA, connect you to the internet, and view the following list of distinguishing features of some of the world's most dangerous predators.
Polar Bears - Polar bears are always under house arrest. At least one leg should have a tracking cuff around the ankle.
Cheetahs - Cheetahs smell like the personal lubricant "Wet" for reasons unknown.
Koala Bears - These vicious beasts whistle racist songs of the Confederacy.
Juice Tigers - Juice Tigers make a whirring sound similar to a blender and smell like a mixture of fresh fruits and vegetables.
Pelicans - You can be 100% certain that you are being attacked by a Pelican if you hear a high-frequency tone and then a split second later your head explodes.
Nurse Sharks - Nurse Sharks are into the leather and latex bondage scenes and usually make a squeaking or creaking sound as they walk.
Staggeringly Gargantuan Deep Sea Squid - These hideous monsters of the deep are accompanied at all times by the underwater theme from Super Mario Brothers.
Eagles - Whenever they use their teleportation or shadow meld ability there is a strange suction sound and the smell of burnt hair.
Tigers - The inside of a tiger's mouth feels chalky.
Orangutan - If you sense wacky happenings or kooky goings-on in your immediate vicinity that's a good sign that an orangutan attack is already underway.
Cobras - Cobras are allergic to just about everything and are usually heard sneezing, sniffling, or blowing their nose.
Giant Crab Monsters - They look just like Vic Tayback from the TV show "Alice" and they smell like a mixture of gasoline and sweat. Unlike Vic Tayback they cannot be killed by a stake through the heart.
There are some more but I'm running late for a haircut appointment so you'll just have to make do by asking them what they are. If they don't respond just assume they're an eagle or something. Now it's time to move on to step 3, which is selecting a course of action.
Step 1: Make Yourself a Bad Target
The first step to surviving a wild animal attack is actually to prevent the attack entirely by making you an undesirable target for potential animal assailants. Animals are just like people in that they don't want to attack someone who either doesn't have anything they want or can obviously kick their ass. This is not as easy as simply drinking weight gainer shakes, weightlifting incessantly, and walking around on stilts while covered in tiger urine. Not every animal responds to the same predator/prey signals, so you need to cover all the bases or at least those that apply to the area you will be in. To help prepare you we've broken the animals down into categories, just follow the preventative measures for each category that applies to you.
Biting Cats
Examples: Cheetahs, pumas, tigers, lynx, panthers, particularly large otters, wolves.
Prey Prevention: Biting cats are known to be extremely insecure and almost all of their reported attacks on humans are simply examples of cat machismo gone too far. They want to prove to you and their friends that they are in charge. There's no point trying to out macho the biting cats, just let them know that you're not a threat to their masculinity and they'll leave well enough alone. This can be achieved by frequently urinating in your pants, wearing shirts with pictograms of large predatory cats killing you (they can't read), and a giant foam hand with the number one printed on it that you wave enthusiastically and shout "wooooooooo" whenever you see a biting cat. Occasionally their attacks are also hunger motivated so try not to carry snack foods appealing to biting cats like blocks of cheese, bowls of milk, catnip filled plush animals, hunks of bleeding human meat, or toy fish attached to sticks by a length of string.
Stomping Things
Examples: Elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, Israeli bulldozers, buffalo herds, rolling boulders.
Prey Prevention: Stomping things are characterized by a tendency to run fairly quickly and crush things under their massive bodies. They are often keenly intelligent and have an insatiable lust for human blood. Luckily they also have a number of deep-rooted phobias that can be used to make you an unacceptable choice of prey. It's widely known that elephants are afraid of mice, so construct a suit of live mice by covering a pair of overalls in hot glue and then rolling in a pit full of mice. Those pesky elephants will keep their distance. Hippos are supposedly fearless, but research we conducted seems to indicate that they are in fact afraid of massive explosions. Luckily the Far East provides us with a solution in the form of the martyr vest, a convenient contraption designed with pouches for plastic explosives. Works great with hot glue and mice! Where there's smoke there's fire, and nothing persuades a charging rhino to change direction like a raging inferno. Since fire can be hazardous to your health we advise a mobile pyrotechnics display as opposed to the more convenient but more painful self-immolation. Nothing stops an Israeli bulldozer like giant bags of money, buffalo herds can be put to rest with hypnotism, and rolling boulders are just unstoppable. Sorry.
Venomous Villains
Examples: Scorpions, cobras, eagles, death adders, asps, black widow spiders, chemical factories.
Prey Prevention: Having lethal venom in glands in your body is sort of like being perpetually drunk, and drunks tend to swagger, brag, and be violent. This characterization of drunks is pretty fitting for venomous creatures as well. They don't have any real agenda, they're just out to have fun and cause trouble. The anathema of their rabble-rousing lifestyle is boredom so to ward off their attacks just make attacking you a proposition sure to be extremely tedious. Wrap yourself in dozens of rolls of duct tape or complexly knotted coils of rope. Leave obscure riddles that provide clues to your location in case you are being tracked. Venomous creatures will find maybe two of these mindbenders and get sick of trying to catch you. When you set up camp for the night climb to the top of a tree and leave a grease coated ladder behind as the only means to ascend to the top. Do anything to frustrate or otherwise draw out the pursuit of venomous creatures, they just can't stand that shit.
Aquatic Adversaries
Examples: Deep sea squids, octopi, Canadians, hammerhead sharks, eagles, giant deep sea squids, colossal deep sea squids, unbelievably huge deep sea squids.
Prey Prevention: Nothing ruins a peaceful camping trip in the forest quite like a colossal deep sea squid emerging from a nearby oceanic trench and crushing your entire campsite into its clacking wheelbarrow-sized beak. They're just a total downer, much like their other water breathing brethren. The only way you can discourage aquatic predators is to make them think that you're one of them. Construct a massive fake squid shell using a large vehicle as the base. I suggest using hoops of lightweight wood bound together and then covered with a shell of papier-mâché that has been painted bright red. Then cover this layer of paint with organic or electronic photophores that simulate the complex color changing ability of squid. Link all of this to a complex computer-controlled system so that if you are approached by a squid you can convince it not to attempt to mate with you.
Even though you're prepared you can't completely guarantee that you won't be attacked. Just like in human society the animal kingdom can be a stressful place and some predators just can't handle the pressure. They crack and go insane, and if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time you could be on the receiving end of a lion's equivalent of shooting up his high school.
Step 2: Identify Your Attacker
Alert, alert! You're being attacked! All of that careful planning just didn't prevent some go-getter of a predator from coming after you. Maybe our directions were wrong (impossible) or maybe you're just a stupid ****up who can't do anything right and will never amount to a goddamn thing (highly likely). The cause isn't really that important when you're caught in the clutches of a deep sea eagle, but before you can decide upon a course of action you need to correctly identify your attacker. Try to take a few deep breaths or, if your lungs are being crushed by the constricting coils of a tentacle, just hold your breath and try not to pass out. Okay, now try to use your toe or a prehensile tail to reach into your PDA, connect you to the internet, and view the following list of distinguishing features of some of the world's most dangerous predators.
Polar Bears - Polar bears are always under house arrest. At least one leg should have a tracking cuff around the ankle.
Cheetahs - Cheetahs smell like the personal lubricant "Wet" for reasons unknown.
Koala Bears - These vicious beasts whistle racist songs of the Confederacy.
Juice Tigers - Juice Tigers make a whirring sound similar to a blender and smell like a mixture of fresh fruits and vegetables.
Pelicans - You can be 100% certain that you are being attacked by a Pelican if you hear a high-frequency tone and then a split second later your head explodes.
Nurse Sharks - Nurse Sharks are into the leather and latex bondage scenes and usually make a squeaking or creaking sound as they walk.
Staggeringly Gargantuan Deep Sea Squid - These hideous monsters of the deep are accompanied at all times by the underwater theme from Super Mario Brothers.
Eagles - Whenever they use their teleportation or shadow meld ability there is a strange suction sound and the smell of burnt hair.
Tigers - The inside of a tiger's mouth feels chalky.
Orangutan - If you sense wacky happenings or kooky goings-on in your immediate vicinity that's a good sign that an orangutan attack is already underway.
Cobras - Cobras are allergic to just about everything and are usually heard sneezing, sniffling, or blowing their nose.
Giant Crab Monsters - They look just like Vic Tayback from the TV show "Alice" and they smell like a mixture of gasoline and sweat. Unlike Vic Tayback they cannot be killed by a stake through the heart.
There are some more but I'm running late for a haircut appointment so you'll just have to make do by asking them what they are. If they don't respond just assume they're an eagle or something. Now it's time to move on to step 3, which is selecting a course of action.
