Joke Thread

Vicman

Vicman

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Joke Thread

Post a good joke!

This fellah sat in a bar and he notices this woman reading a book, so he leans over a little so he can see the title and notes its about penises. He walks over to her and says, "That book looks interesting"

The woman says "Yes it is its full of facts. Did you know that the American Indian has the fattest penis and Polish men have the longest penis"

The fellah replies "No I didn't. Look can I buy you a drink?"

She says,"Yes I'll have a drink, but we should introduce ourselves first. My names Mary, Please to meet you"

He responds "Hello! Mary, My names Tonto Kolowski"
 
Re: Joke Thread

Your face.
 
Re: Joke Thread

Dude you motherfuckers are getting lamer by the day, that's all you got?! Fucking losers!
 
Re: Joke Thread

Vicman said:
Dude you motherfuckers are getting lamer by the day, that's all you got?! Fucking losers!
Click to expand...
:scurred: NERD ATTACK!
 
Re: Joke Thread

I prefer a "Penguin Attack" but that's just me!



...if you get the reference you're cool.
 
Re: Joke Thread

You suxx0rz, Vicwoman.



I love you.
 
Re: Joke Thread

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar
immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair-giving that you are blind-that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
Re: Joke Thread

Two dumb skinny rednecks come to a brothel, knock on the door and a huge bouncer opens the door and says "what the fuck do you two dicks want?" They ask him "what can we get for 10 bucks" and the bouncer says "you can go suck each others dicks for 10 bucks." So the two rednecks leave but they come back 15 min. later and the same guy answers the door and yells "now what!!?" and they say "we just came to pay!"
 
Re: Joke Thread

I like this one... :D

An older guy shares a room with his 2 year old brother, and they have bunk beds. Well the older brother goes out on a date with his girlfriend. He brings her back to his house and they climb on the top bunk with his little brother fast asleep on the bottom. Things start to get hot between the boyfriend and girlfriend......he says "if you want me to go harder say Lettuce....if you want it faster say tomato" the girl says "ok". So they start the girl says "lettuce...tomato..lettuce...tomato...lettuce..tomato.....no! pull it out, pull it out i cant get pregnant." The little brother wakes up and yells...." Will you guys stop making sandwhiches up there your getting mayo on my face!!"
 
Re: Joke Thread

One more... :D

Lil johnny went up stairs and heard his parents arguing.
His mother called his father a BASTARD and his father called his mother a BITCH. Johnny asked what does BITCH and BASTARD mean. BITCH means lady and, BASTARD means gentlemen. Later when he went up stairs he saw his father shaving, his father cut himself by mistake and said "shit!!". He asked what shit means, he said it means shaving cream. So lil johnny went down stairs and saw his mother cutting the turkey and she cut her finger, she said "FUCK". He said, "mother what does FUCK mean", she said it means stuffing the turkey. So he went up stairs 2 his room and heard the neighbours GRINDING in bed and they were saying DICK and CUNNY. So he went down stairs and asked his parents, "what does DICK and CUNNY mean", they said DICK means jacket and CUNNY means sweater. He told them he got it. So when the guest came for dinner, lil johnny said, "GOOD EVENING BITCH AND BASTARD, CAN I TAKE YOUR DICK AND CUNNY, FATHER'S UPSTAIRS PUTTING SHIT ON HIS FACE, AND MOTHER IS IN THE KITCHEN FUCKING THE TURKEY."

:lol:
 
Re: Joke Thread

Those rock, check out this one:


Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on."
"There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."



Biker 4some

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."


The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"


The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.


The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.


Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."


The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"


Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."



The Pickle Factory

Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'


The Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
 
Re: Joke Thread

This one's pretty funny:

Headache

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor
turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked: "How about a new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again.
"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
 
Re: Joke Thread

Pay Up

A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress. "I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you 20 dollars." The guy wasn't happy, but he paid up. Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman. "I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you 30 dollars!"
 
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