Beat your kids senseless!!!

[Vicman]

Beat your kids senseless!!!

I decided to check out a few of the old bookmarks in my "Fun" folder (Quit snickering! All the pron links are in the "Adult" folder idiots) and came across an old site that I hadn't visted for awhile:

"The Best Page In The Universe" (Official Title)

WARNING: Now I must warn you all that some of his rants are retarded, just look at the Anti-Xbox rant for example, but most of them are downright hilarious. So skip the stupid crap and go for the gold...

My fav: Love your kids? Prove it by beating them.

Here's a snippet:

"The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down. To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:

Five across the eyes. This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your kid think you're a pussy.

The sucker punch. Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of."

"Remember: never take shit from your kids. You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You own them. If they don't like it, they can move out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don't grow up to be idiots."


Here's another snippet:

MORE Lies Girls Have Told Me:

P.S. Ice Knight you could learn from this...

""All I want is a nice guy that will make me feel special, that will listen to me and love me forever..."
Lie. She left off the part about "and a guy that will have plenty of raunchy sex with me because that's all most girls are really looking for, but we're too shallow to admit that to you because we want to keep this 'virgin-girl' image we have going on and we don't want to sound too slutty, so we're going to pretend that all the nice guys we've met so far haven't fit the bill when in reality, they've treated us infinitely better than any guy we could ever hope to meet at a club downtown." I've said this before and I'll say it again:

GIRLS DON'T WANT NICE GUYS. END OF STORY.

I know there are SOME out there that do.. the ratio of honest girls that want nice guys to sleazy girls that are in it for money and sex is very small, if not non-existant. However, I won't consider this possibility at this time.

Almost every guy that goes to a club goes there for one reason: ass. More often than not, they get it. Way to go champ, you got laid, now wipe off the disease and try your luck again. That's all they want and girls aren't so stupid as to not realize this, but they want to make it sound like they're perpetual victims that can't find the elusive "nice guy." Why don't you actually TRY LOOKING for one, you moron? That's like a guy trying to find a "nice girl" by cruising the streets downtown. You tread the grounds of prostitutes, so don't complain that all you have to show for it is a yield of whores. I'm so sick and tired of girls giving the false impression that they want a nice guy; this is only true for women in their 30's that have already spent a decade getting their brains screwed out and now they're finally pulling their heads out of their ass and they're looking for a decent guy to settle down with. It's not going to happen moron, you blew your chance. I see girls fall for bad guys every day. I see girls abused, cheated on and insulted in public ALL THE TIME. What the hell is wrong with them? They think that there's something wild and untamable about bad guys that's attractive? WAKE UP. WAKE UP. You're getting abused, hurt, murdered and taken advantage of. Holy shit, how can people be so stupid? Is there no end to the barrel of stupid they drink from?"

:rock: :bam: :scrump: :lol: :rofl:

 

[Vicman]

http://maddox.xmission.com/add.html

"Attention Deficit Disorder is nothing that a
solid kick in the ass can't cure.


Attention Deficit Disorder is bullshit and anyone that "has it" should be shot. You have a kid that misbehaves? Smack the little shit up side the head and tell him to shut up. I'm tired of all these pussy parents that are afraid to discipline their kids.

There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character.

All seriousness aside, the real reason ADD exists is because executives at pharmaceutical companies need to make their Lexus payments. Companies that produce Ritalin, Dexedrin and Cylert make billions of dollars every year selling their shit to lazy/irresponsible parents that want an excuse for letting their kids become the stupid, obnoxious, spoiled bratts that they're growing up to be. When I was a kid, all my parents gave me was a brick to play with. If I complained about the brick, my dad would drop kick me in the throat and I'd realize how ungrateful I was being.

I bet all those wimps diagnosed with ADD when they were kids are the same dipshits that still pay with checks in grocery stores. NOBODY PAYS WITH CHECKS ANYMORE. Get out of the stone ages. Seriously. People that pay with checks drive me up the wall. Might as well pay with foreign currency. Some old lady was paying with a check while I was in line at the grocery store the other day, so I dislocated her hip. Old lady had nothing on me, I kick ass!

blow me."

 

[Vicman]

Shallow, selfish, petty women: Is there another kind?

"This web page is dedicated to every good guy out there searching for a good woman. A woman that's able to hold a conversation, mature enough to handle criticism, honest enough to tell you the truth without hours of pointless fluff to pacify her guilt. A woman that's caring, kind and considerate--one that's selfless enough to sacrifice time she could spend with you so that you may work towards goals that will supplement your blooming relationship. A woman that's intelligent enough to realize the difference between love, lust, friendship and wishful thinking. A woman that's not such a coward that she has to resort to the crutch of friendship when rejecting someone. A woman that's not afraid to confront her insecurities and weaknesses. A woman that won't stab you in the back and manipulate your emotions with guilt trips, withdrawal, and endless sulking. A woman that's patient and empathetic enough to help you develop the tools necessary to harbor a long-lasting relationship. A woman that's not so petty as to let a good thing slip through her fingers in favor of shallow, selfish, sexual gratification.

For all you men looking for such a woman:


STOP LOOKING.
Such a woman does not exist. All women are shallow (and by all women, I don't mean the hand full of women I've known that don't fit this description. If you're finding yourself wondering whether or not you're one of these women, chances are that you aren't).

What women really want...

Do you remember when you were growing up in elementary school, how many dumbasses there were in your class? All the morons that had shitty personalities that never changed all throughout high school? Of the thousands of people you've met throughout school, chances are that you've only managed to become good friends with 1 or 2 of them. The problem that guys have is that they don't realize that as many dumbass guys as there were in their classes when they grew up, there are just as many dumbass girls. The only difference is that girls are not physically repulsive like men. If only 2 of the thousands of people you've come into contact with have been good enough to become your close friends, then what are the odds that you're going to find someone out of the remaining thousands that's good enough to spend your life with?

What girls really want is a good looking guy that will treat them like shit. If you're not good looking, you have to be rich. A lot of girls are so shallow that money is enough for them to be in a relationship. If you're not good looking and you're not rich, then you're pretty much screwed (unless the girl is horny, in which case she'll use you for what she wants, even if you're ugly).

Women can't decide anything. They never mean what they say and they always contradict themselves. I've developed a translation table based on conversations I've had with just a few of the many shallow women I've had the misfortune of having in my life:

Translation Table:

When they say: Oh, that's interesting.
What they mean: I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Let's have sex.

When they say: That's cool, I like that too.
What they mean: We don't have anything in common, but I'm going to pretend to like some of the things you like so we can have sex.

When they say: I miss you.
What they mean: I'm horny.

When they say: Nothing's wrong.
What they mean: Pack your bags, because you're going on a one-way guilt trip.

When they say: I love you.
What they mean: For the time being. I'm flaky, so check back two weeks from now, I don't know what the hell love means so I might just change my mind, and besides, I want to have sex and this will give me some leverage.

When they say: How's it going?
What they mean: I'm the center of the universe, don't bother telling me, it won't make a difference. I just want to make it look like I'm not a cold-hearted sex fiend.

When they say: I'm fat.
What they mean: Give me compliments, asshole.

When they say: I care about you.
What they mean: I care about me. Let's have sex.

When they say: Nothing.
What they mean: I wonder if he wants to have sex. "

 

[Vicman]

Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.

"Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.

I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.

6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."

I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.

People have sent me chain mail and have subsequently received beatings."


:rock: :bam:

 

[Vicman]

As you all can guess I love hatefull and violent comedy.

 

[Vicman]

Happy Endings Blow

"The other day I saw a commercial for Cheerios on TV. It had some guy dressed up like Ebenezer Scrooge in it (one of my all time favorite story-book characters). He was being grumpy and bitter (carrying out business as usual), and all was good. Then suddenly that damned bee appeared. That little bastard kept flying around and driving Scrooge up the wall with an offer of honey-nut bullshit. Finally the bee broke down Scrooge's spirit, and he gave in. The commercial ended with some kids singing about honey-nut Cheerios, and Scrooge was smiling and playing grab ass with the bee. It made me sick. I was outraged at what they had done; they took a mean old bastard like Scrooge, and turned him into a warm hearted, flower picking momma's boy. Bah! These stories were never meant to have happy endings. They were meant to give kids nightmares and bad dreams. So in this spirit, I've decided to expose the real endings to some popular children's stories.

Hansel and Gretel: Busted.

The story of Hansel and Gretel is about two dirty little children that run around and piss off their hard working parents. They're always laughing and screaming without a care in the world because they're selfish little bastards that get everything they want. One day the little bastards run off into the woods in search of someone to throw rocks at. They end up finding a house made out of candy and they start to eat it. Inside the house was a nice old lady that eats children. She invited Hansel and Gretel into her house, but was assaulted and thrown into the oven! She was pissed off and mad as hell. So she busted down the oven door, and put the beat down on Hansel and Gretel. When the two bastards came to, they found themselves tied up and being roasted. The end. The moral of the story is that Hansel and Gretel are stupid little shits, and they deserve to be eaten.


Little Red Riding Hood: A Balanced Meal.

Little Red Riding Hood is a story about a dumbass little girl that doesn't know anything. One day she decided to take some food to her sick grandmother. Little did she know that a clever wolf had eaten her grandmother weeks ago, and only the remnants of her rotting corpse remained. After the wolf ate her grandmother, he went through all her stuff and tried on her clothing. Just then, the dumbass showed up and started interrogating the wolf. She kept asking him stupid questions about why his teeth and eyes were so large, until finally the wolf snapped and ate her. It turned out that little red riding hood was so stupid that she didn't even know how to be eaten, and the wolf got indigestion. The end. The moral of the story is that if you ask too many dumbass questions, you will be eaten. Trust me, I know.

kids have visited this page and are delighted with the new endings.

 

[Ronald_Mcd]

maddox is awsome.:rofl:

 

[LUFFY-KUN]

damn dude...

 

[Loki]

Maddox is a badass:angry:

 

[Nastyman!]

I love his movie reviews.

 

[mjalbert377]

Yeah some of his stuff is pretty cool, 'cept that new one about his balls being huge is retarded. I was disappointed.